Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting by John Gottman

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Gottman draws on his studies of more than 120 families to zero in on the parenting techniques that ensure a child's emotional health. He then translates his methods into an easy, five-step "emotional coaching" program designed to help parents enrich the bond between themselves and their children.

FORMATPaperback LANGUAGEEnglish CONDITIONBrand New Publisher Description

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child is John Gottman's groundbreaking guide to teaching children to understand and regulate their emotional world. Intelligence That Comes from the Heart Every parent knows the importance of equipping children with the intellectual skills they need to succeed in school and life. But children also need to master their emotions. Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child is a guide to teaching children to understand and regulate their emotional world. And as acclaimed psychologist and researcher John Gottman shows, once they master this important life skill, emotionally intelligent children will enjoy increased self-confidence, greater physical health, better performance in school, and healthier social relationships. Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child will equip parents with a five-step "emotion coaching" process that teaches how to: -Be aware of a child's emotions-Recognize emotional expression as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching-Listen empathetically and validate a child's feelings-Label emotions in words a child can understand-Help a child come up with an appropriate way to solve a problem or deal with an upsetting issue or situation Written for parents of children of all ages, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child will enrich the bonds between parent and child and contribute immeasurably to the development of a generation of emotionally healthy adults.

Back Cover

Intelligence That Comes from the Heart Every parent knows the importance of equipping children with the intellectual skills they need to succeed in school and life. But children also need to master their emotions. Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child is a guide to teaching children to understand and regulate their emotional world. And as acclaimed psychologist and researcher John Gottman shows, once they master this important life skill, emotionally intelligent children will enjoy increased self-confidence, greater physical health, better performance in school, and healthier social relationships. Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child will equip parents with a five-step "emotion coaching" process that teaches how to: * Be aware of a child's emotions * Recognize emotional expression as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching * Listen empathetically and validate a child's feelings * Label emotions in words a child can understand * Help a child come up with an appropriate way to solve a problem or deal with an upsetting issue or situation Written for parents of children of all ages, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child will enrich the bonds between parent and child and contribute immeasurably to the development of a generation of emotionally healthy adults.

Author Biography

John Gottman, Ph. D., is a professor of psychology at the University of Washington and the author of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. Joan DeClaire is a Senior Editor for Microsoft's Pregnancy and Childcare, an on-line consumer health-information service. Both authors live in Seattle

Table of Contents

Contents Foreword, by Daniel Goleman Preface 1. Emotion Coaching: The Key to Raising Emotionally Intelligent Kids 2. Assessing Your Parenting Style 3. The Five Key Steps for Emotion Coaching 4. Emotion-Coaching Strategies 5. Marriage, Divorce, and Your Child's Emotional Health 6. The Father's Crucial Role 7. Emotion Coaching as Four Child Grows Appendix: Recommended Children's Books Notes Index

Review

"A significant gift to parents and children."--Common Boundary

Long Description

Intelligence That Comes from the HeartEvery parent knows the importance of equipping children with the intellectual skills they need to succeed in school and life. But children also need to master their emotions.Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Childis a guide to teaching children to understand and regulate their emotional world. And as acclaimed psychologist and researcher John Gottman shows, once they master this important life skill, emotionally intelligent children will enjoy increased self-confidence, greater physical health, better performance in school, and healthier social relationships.Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Childwill equip parents with a five-step "emotion coaching" process that teaches how to:* Be aware of a child's emotions* Recognize emotional expression as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching* Listen empathetically and validate a child's feelings* Label emotions in words a child can understand* Help a child come up with an appropriate way to solve a problem or deal with an upsetting issue or situationWritten for parents of children of all ages,Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Childwill enrich the bonds between parent and child and contribute immeasurably to the development of a generation of emotionally healthy adults.

Review Quote

Common Boundary A significant gift to parents and children.

Excerpt from Book

Chapter 1 Emotion Coaching: The Key to Raising Emotionally Intelligent Kids Diane is already late for work as she tries to coax three-year-old Joshua into his jacket so she can take him to daycare. After a too-quick breakfast and a battle over which shoes to wear, Joshua is tense too. He doesn''t really care that his mom has a meeting in less than an hour. He wants to stay home and play, he tells her. When Diane tells him that''s not possible, Joshua falls to the floor. Feeling sad and angry, he starts to cry. Seven-year-old Emily turns to her parents in tears just five minutes before the baby-sitter''s arrival. "It''s not fair to leave me with somebody I don''t even know," she sobs. "But Emily," her dad explains, "this sitter is a good friend of your mother''s. And besides, we''ve had tickets to this concert for weeks." "I still don''t want you to go," she cries. Fourteen-year-old Matt tells his mom he just got kicked out of the school band because the teacher smelled somebody smoking pot on the bus. "I swear to God it wasn''t me," Matt says. But the boy''s grades have been falling and he''s running with a new crowd. "I don''t believe you, Matt," she says. "And until you bring your grades up, you''re not going out." Hurt and furious, Matt flies out the door without a word. Three families. Three conflicts. Three kids at different stages of development. Still, these parents face the same problem -- how to deal with children when emotions run high. Like most parents, they want to treat their kids fairly, with patience and respect. They know the world presents children with many challenges, and they want to be there for their kids, lending insight and support. They want to teach their kids to handle problems effectively and to form strong, healthy relationships. But there''s a big difference between wanting to do right by your kids and actually having the wherewithal to carry it off. That''s because good parenting requires more than intellect. It touches a dimension of the personality that''s been ignored in much of the advice dispensed to parents over the past thirty years. Good parenting involves emotion. In the last decade or so, science has discovered a tremendous amount about the role emotions play in our lives. Researchers have found that even more than IQ, your emotional awareness and ability to handle feelings will determine your success and happiness in all walks of life, including family relationships. For parents, this quality of "emotional intelligence" -- as many now call it -- means being aware of your children''s feelings, and being able to empathize, soothe, and guide them. For children, who learn most lessons about emotion from their parents, it includes the ability to control impulses, delay gratification, motivate themselves, read other people''s social cues, and cope with life''s ups and downs. "Family life is our first school for emotional learning," writes Daniel Goleman, psychologist and author of Emotional Intelligence, a book that describes in rich detail the scientific research that has led to our growing understanding of this field. "In this intimate cauldron we learn how to feel about ourselves and how others will react to our feelings; how to think about these feelings and what choices we have in reacting; how to read and express hopes and fears. This emotional schooling operates not just through the things parents say and do directly to children, but also in the models they offer for handling their own feelings and those that pass between husband and wife. Some parents are gifted emotional teachers, others atrocious." What parental behaviors make the difference? As a research psychologist studying parent-child interactions, I have spent much of the past twenty years looking for the answer to this question. Working with research teams at the University of Illinois and the University of Washington, I have conducted in-depth research in two studies of 119 families, observing how parents and children react to one another in emotionally charged situations. We have been following these children from age four to adolescence. In addition, we are in the process of tracking 130 newlywed couples as they become parents of young infants. Our sties involve lengthy interviews with parents, talking about their marriages, their reactions to their children''s emotional experiences, and their own awareness of the role emotion plays in their lives. We have tracked children''s physiological responses during stressful parent-child interactions. We have carefully observed and analyzed parents'' emotional reactions to their kids'' anger and sadness. Then we have checked in with these families over time to see how their children developed in terms of health, academic achievement, emotional development, and social relationships. Our results tell a simple, yet compelling story. We have found that most parents fall into one of two broad categories: those who give their children guidance about the world of emotion and those who don''t. I call the parents who get involved with their children''s feelings "Emotion Coaches." Much like athletic coaches, they teach their children strategies to deal with life''s ups and downs. They don''t object to their children''s displays of anger, sadness, or fear. Nor do they ignore them. Instead, they accept negative emotions as a fact of life and they use emotional moments as opportunities for teaching their kids important life lessons and building closer relationships with them. "When Jennifer is sad, it''s a real important time for bonding between us," says Maria, the mother of a five-year-old in one of our studies. "I tell her that I want to talk to her, to know how she''s feeling." Like many Emotion-Coaching parents in our studies, Jennifer''s dad, Dan, sees his daughter''s sad or angry moments as the time she needs him most. More than any other interaction he has with his daughter, soothing her "makes me feel like a dad," Dan says. "I have to be there for her...I have to tell her it''s all right. That she''ll survive this problem and probably have lots more." Emotion-Coaching parents like Maria and Dan might be described as "warm" and "positive" toward their daughter, and indeed they are. But taken alone, warm, positive parenting does not teach emotional intelligence. In fact, it''s common for parents to be loving and attentive, yet incapable of dealing effectively with their children''s negative emotions. Among these parents who fail to teach their kids emotional intelligence, I have identified three types: 1. Dismissing parents, who disregard, ignore, or trivialize children''s negative emotions; 2. Disapproving parents, who are critical of their children''s displays of negative feelings and may reprimand or punish them for emotional expression; and 3. Laissez-Faire parents, who accept their children''s emotions and empathize with them, but fail to offer guidance or set limits on their children''s behavior. To give you an idea of how differently Emotion-Coaching parents and their three noncoaching counterparts respond to their children, imagine Diane, whose little boy protested going to daycare, in each of these roles. If she was a Dismissing parent, she might tell him that his reluctance to go to daycare is "silly"; that there''s no reason to feel sad about leaving the house. Then she might try to distract him from his sad thoughts, perhaps bribing him with a cookie or talking about fun activities his teacher has planned. As a Disapproving parent, Diane might scold Joshua for his refusal to cooperate, telling him she''s tired of his bratty behavior, and threatening to spank him. As a Laissez-Faire parent, Diane might embrace Joshua in all his anger and sadness, empathize with him, tell him it''s perfectly natural for him to want to stay home. But then she''d be at a loss for what to do next. She wouldn''t want to scold, spank, or bribe her son, but staying home wouldn''t be an option, either. Perhaps in the end, she''d cut a deal: I''ll play a game with you for ten minutes -- then it''s out the door with no crying. Until tomorrow morning, that is. So what would the Emotion Coach do differently? She might start out like the Laissez-Faire parent, empathizing with Joshua, and letting him know that she understands his sadness. But she would go further, providing Joshua with guidance for what to do with his uncomfortable feelings. Perhaps the conversation would go something like this: Diane: Let''s put on your jacket, Joshua. It''s time to go. Joshua: No! I don''t want to go to daycare. Diane: You don''t want to go? Why not? Joshua: Because I want to stay here with you. Diane: You do? Joshua: Yeah I want to stay home. Diane: Gosh, I think I know just how you feel. Some mornings I wish you and I could just curl up in a chair and look at books together instead of rushing out the door. But you know what? I made an important promise to the people at my office that I''d be there by nine o''clock and I can''t break that promise. Joshua (starting to cry): But why not? It''s not fair. I don''t want to go. Diane: Come here, Josh. (Taking him onto her lap.) I''m sorry, honey, but we can''t stay home. I''ll bet that makes you feel disappointed doesn''t it? Joshua (nodding): Yeah. Diane: And kind of sad? Joshua: Yeah. Diane: I feel kind of sad, too. (She lets him cry for a while and continues to hug him

Details ISBN0684838656 Short Title RAISING AN EMOTIONALLY INTELLI Pages 240 Language English ISBN-10 0684838656 ISBN-13 9780684838656 Media Book Format Paperback DEWEY 649.1 Year 1998 Place of Publication Hemel Hempstead Edition 1st Residence WA, US Affiliation University of Washington Qualifications PhD Imprint Prentice Hall & IBD Country of Publication United Kingdom Subtitle The Heart of Parenting DOI 10.1604/9780684838656 AU Release Date 1998-08-24 NZ Release Date 1998-08-24 UK Release Date 1998-08-24 Author Joan DeClaire Publisher Prentice Hall (a Pearson Education company) Publication Date 1998-08-24 Audience General We've got this

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