Trophy Man: The Surprising Secrets of Black Women Who Marry Well by Dr. Joy McEl

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Drawing on extensive interviews with black women of all ages married to doctors, lawyers, businessmen, athletes, educators, and politicians, McElroy distills the values, personal characteristics, attitudes toward life, and dating decisions that enabled them to secure a "trophy man."

FORMATPaperback LANGUAGEEnglish CONDITIONBrand New Publisher Description

You're attractive, fun to be around, and accomplished. Life is great. But it would be perfect if you had a partner by your side: a man with brains, ambition, a successful career, and eyes for you only. Problem is, where do you find a brother like that? And how do you make him realize that you're the one he should spend his life with? Drawing on extensive interviews with black women married to top-notch doctors, lawyers, businessmen, athletes, educators, and politicians -- women who've been there and know -- Joy McElroy provides proven methods any woman can use to make a successful match. Always straightforward, always plainspoken, Joy gives you the information you need, including:Where to meet professional African American men How to date with a purpose How much to reveal about past love affairs You don't have to settle! Trophy Man is just the secret weapon you need to find a husband with a loving heart.

Author Biography

Joy McElroy is a wife, mother of two, and dermatologist. She is active in several national and international medical associations, and a member of The Links, Inc., and Alpha Kappa Alpha sorority. She and her husband of ten years, Dr. Loi Chang-Stroman, live in Hawaii. Trophy Man is her first book.

Table of Contents

ContentsINTRODUCTIONSECRET #1men listen to what you say, so be clear about what you wantSECRET #2make your days as a single woman the best days of your lifesecret #3nurture your spiritual centerSECRET #4you don't need to look far to find himSECRET #5don't stumble out of the gate on the first dateSECRET #6he wasn't always a trophy manSECRET #7look like a wife if you want to attract a husbandSECRET #8act like a wife if you want to attract a husbandSecret #9kiss a few frogs and forget themSecret #10a sample is ampleSecret #11loose lips sink shipsSecret #12like mother, like daughter, like wifeSECRET #13meeting his family is the biggest test you'll face -- embrace itSecret #14she's called a "mother-in-law" because she lays down the lawSecret #15men don't want to marry divasSecret #16be independent, but let him be a manSECRET #17being a housewife and/or mother can be the toughest career you'll ever loveFINAL WORDList of African-American Yearly social events

Excerpt from Book

Chapter One Secret #1: Men Listen to What You Say, So Be Clear About What You Want Have you ever wanted something so bad that it consumed all your energy? You thought you''d die without it, or just about pop because you were afraid you''d never get it? Then, finally, you got whatever it was that you were dying to have, and it was a letdown! All that craving and plotting and planning, and the moment comes, but you can''t figure out why you feel so vacant, empty, and downright disappointed? You finally got the object of your desires, but everything fizzled instead of sizzled. It happens all the time with silly things like expensive shoes, or designer purses with fancy initials all over them. But it can also occur with more significant things: the snazzy car that you''re too paranoid to park on the street; the college degree that has nothing to do with your everyday job; the state-of-the-art exercise machine with clothes draped all over it. And as hard to believe as it may seem, the same thing can happen with a man. You may have spent a lot of time and effort in pursuit of a particular man and, once you were in the relationship, realized that he bored you to death. Or perhaps you realized that the relationship itself wasn''t what you expected or wanted. How did that happen? It''s likely that you didn''t have a clear sense of what you wanted. Many of us sheepishly go along with what other people want us to do, or what we thought was expected of us, or what some guy wanted (or didn''t want), until we lose sight of what''s meaningful to us. Often, what we think we want in a partner is not what we need. A certain glossy image comes to mind, based on nonsense like movie-star looks, a nonstop romance, a calendar boy''s body, and limitless credit cards. Single women spend countless hours in hot pursuit, chasing after the illusion, and once they get him, they realize he is just that: an illusion! If women are not careful, they can find themselves in a make-believe mess that is not what they wanted at all. They thought they had the trophy man, but instead they got the booby prize. Many women have forgotten or become confused about what they want and need from a boyfriend or husband. Others have had such disappointing experiences with men that they actually begin to believe that the man who can meet their needs doesn''t really exist. So they lower their standards as a pragmatic measure. It is impossible to meet a man, date, or build a meaningful love affair if you don''t know or have lost track of what you need in a mate. Truly understanding what really matters to you is the first step in conquering the confusion and disappointment you may often face in your love affairs. So ask yourself this basic question: What do you truly want to gain from meeting men and dating? A majority of women will resoundingly answer that they want a meaningful relationship and ultimately a lifelong commitment. But is this really the case? Early in life, when a woman is young and carefree, she dates men to satisfy momentary needs. Who can''t remember a time in high school when a girl''s most pressing criteria for choosing a man was his looks, how fast his car was, or how many points he scored to win the homecoming game? Girls go out with guys for fun. What woman among us doesn''t look back at her boyfriends from years ago, chuckling in disbelief as she asks herself, "How did I ever go out with him?" How? Well, it didn''t matter back then. Our romantic value system and goals were a lot different when we were just girls. But you may be surprised to know how many women are still stuck in that pattern of chasing men for superficial qualities. It may no longer be if he can dunk a basketball, but the prestige of the company he works for, or the amount of money he received in his bonus check last year. These women aren''t ready for commitment. They worry that they haven''t played around enough, or that they will have to give up too much if they settle down. These women are just like many men: never satisfied with their love lives, always wondering if something much better is lurking right around the corner. We complain a lot about men who string us along. But many of us are just as guilty of this kind of immature behavior. Don''t mistake the message. There is absolutely nothing wrong with just having fun or hanging out, if that is what you really want. That''s a period of life that you may have to live through. But there are a lot of women who chant this mantra of "just wanting to have fun" when deep down they know in their hearts that they truly want something more. We tell ourselves, "He might be the one," before our first big date with a new man, then find ourselves going to extremes to attract him, including buying outfits that look just right: sexy, slim, fashionable, feminine, and sometimes even "wifey." We sometimes starve ourselves to look thinner, mash our boobs into miracle bras, cut our hair, extend our hair, glue on our nails, change our makeup, put music on our stereo, and on, and on, and on...all of this effort so that we can have "fun." Doesn''t sound like fun. When we become adult women, our values and priorities change. The fun of impressive cars, cute faces, and athletic achievements fades away, and we''re left to decide upon a whole new set of priorities and values for ourselves and the men with whom we have relationships. Then we get stuck in another pattern -- not admitting to ourselves or the people around us that we are ready for something real. Take Courtney, for example. A thirty-five-year-old doctor, Courtney, spends countless hours week after week on elaborate dates that sound like something out of a movie. She and her man of the moment spend weekends on a private chartered fishing boat, having romantic dinners for two at the art-museum restaurant, or at bed-and-breakfast getaways complete with private cooking classes. We all have a girlfriend like Courtney. In fact, we envy her because she seems to have a dream life. While everybody else is sitting at home on the weekends, she''s being wined and dined on expensive field trips for adults. But don''t be so quick to assume that she''s got it made. Invariably, women like Courtney look up months (and quite often years) later, and wonder why other women have committed and even married, while she''s still just hanging out. Courtney is dissatisfied with her love life (or will quickly realize that she''s dissatisfied) because those fabulous dates never lead to anything meaningful. She''d love to get married and settle down one day. In fact, she''s scared stiff of growing old alone. But her approach with men doesn''t encourage commitment. Like many single successful career women, Courtney says that she "just wants to have fun," and in saying so and behaving accordingly, she is her own worst enemy. She says she doesn''t need a man, that she just wants to have a buddy for companionship, and that''s just how her boyfriends see her. She''s a great companion, full of fascinating ideas and entertainment, and she doesn''t have to be taken too seriously. She''s a party girl, demanding little more than a great time, and getting just that in return. Contrast this with women who married trophy men. They expected not only companionship, but also commitment and growth in their relationships. They weren''t intimidated or ashamed to admit that just having fun wasn''t fun anymore. Many women make the mistake of thinking a man will be scared off if she is up-front about her intentions. Quite the contrary. Women set the course of a relationship. Alice, a buyer for a large department store on the West Coast who is married to a stockbroker, explains: When I first met my husband, he did not quite know what to make of me. As a matter of fact, I remember it just like it was yesterday. We were having dinner, and he said something about how modern women mostly just want to have fun. I took him by surprise because I immediately, right then and there, told him that could not be further from the truth with me. I explained -- as delicately as possible so I wouldn''t scare him away, but firmly enough that he knew I wasn''t just fooling around -- that I was not just looking for a good time. I told him that, quite truthfully, if I took the time to go out and get to know a man, I had hopes and expectations that we could develop a friendship or perhaps even more (providing the match was right). Don''t get me wrong, I didn''t start telling him that I wanted to get married or what size wedding ring I wanted or what type of reception I wanted. All joking aside, I know that coming on too strong can be the kiss of death with a new relationship. But, on the other hand, I think that by letting Len know right off the bat that I was serious and looking for something serious, he knew which direction to take. It gave him an exit if he didn''t want to be bothered with establishing a serious relationship. In retrospect, I was a bit younger then and sure of myself. I think that being truthful and up-front was what really appealed to Len. He knew I was a serious sister. Something about this struck a positive chord with him, and it just blossomed from there. I never stopped to wonder what it would have been like had I played into the "girls just want to have fun" image. Had I done that, it might very well have been the beginning of the end. I learned my lesson earlier, much earlier, that if you act with a devil-may-care attitude, guys will treat you in a footloose and fancy-free manner. If given the chance, most men will use women. If a man is comfortable in a relationship, he''ll let it sputter along as long as he thinks he can get away with it. But a man is abl

Details ISBN074321305X Short Title TROPHY MAN Pages 224 Language English ISBN-10 074321305X ISBN-13 9780743213059 Media Book Format Paperback DEWEY 646.77 Year 2002 Imprint Touchstone Subtitle The Surprising Secrets of Black Women Who Marry Well DOI 10.1604/9780743213059 UK Release Date 2002-04-29 Place of Publication New York Country of Publication United States NZ Release Date 2002-06-11 US Release Date 2002-06-11 Author Dr. Joy McElroy Publisher Simon & Schuster Publication Date 2002-06-11 Audience General AU Release Date 2002-06-14 We've got this

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